It was a normal night like any other. I was nursing my almost 4 month old. A couple of my younger girls were sleeping, but otherwise, there was activity buzzing through the different rooms of the house.

I sat in front of my computer considering doing my budgeting but then walked away, too exhausted for that task at that moment. One of my teens came to show me a funny video, and then I laid my baby in her crib.

What happened next was anything but normal.

One second I was doing the everyday and the next I walked down my hallway to see who had arrived and came face to face with the shock that an unknown man was pointing a gun towards us, saying he needed a car.

It was thankfully quickly resolved with nobody physically hurt, but I was shook. We were shook.

Logically, I knew that an incident like that had never happened before and would likely never happen again. Nonetheless, but it might kept creeping it. If it happened once, it could happen again.

Before the event occurred, I had decided to not work during the summer. I was feeling exhausted and depleted and saw the need to create space for a deeper rest, rather than teaching some summer term classes.

Little did I know, the summer would not be so restful. Based on that event at the end of May, there was an underlying hyper-vigilance.

Are the doors locked?

What was that sound?

One day I was sitting in the parking lot waiting for one of my daughters to get off work. Through the side view mirror, I saw a man walking in between my van and another car. My hand automatically flew towards the button to make sure my door was locked.

...and the man?

He walked right through towards his own car.

On top of that, I could see that it was someone I knew - someone who went to school with me in early elementary school.

I was not in any danger, yet my body was programmed to react to "danger" cutting through the everyday moments.

I had moments of peace in knowing that I had perceived a deep sense of the presence and protection of the Holy Spirit, while also having very natural and understandable reactions based on a dysregulated nervous system in the aftermath of a life-threatening event.

I had taken the summer off in order to find rest. Instead, I was even more exhausted.

Plans

As we assess the current contexts of our lives, we often plan in light of what we perceive we need and how we can steward our lives well. We consider the ages and stages of our family and examine what is prudent, holding the big picture in mind. We think about our careers, our goals and dreams. We hold all these pieces in our minds as we make choices.

And yet...

There's those factors that no matter how much we analyze, reflect, and plan, we just cannot fully account for. We do not know for sure what is coming around the bend. Or, we think we have a solid understanding of a context but we really have a limited view.

Learning to Trust

Luckily, he can use it all. Even when our circumstances seem like the opposite of what we were crying out for, the Lord is able to reveal his presence and his peace--even if that sense of consolation seems to be fleeting. Little by little, through assurances and uncertainty, he reveals that he has been present through it all.

Implications for Healing

• It can be especially challenging to navigate through traumatic experiences. The Lord revealed glimpses into his presence as I was ready to process through different layers. That increased awareness supported regulating my nervous system in those understandable moments that my heart would begin racing in everyday life.

• Though the Lord can heal in many different ways, often a component includes working through other people to support the process. I was grateful for my spiritual directors (past and present) and friends who interceded for my family and provided words of encouragement in the moment. Counselors and mentors also contributed to the on-going process of healing.

• It is natural to desire to proactively account for different dangers and build up layers of protection. Yet, we cannot anticipate every threat. Instead, we can place our hope in the Lord to be with us through it all and to guide an on-going process of growth. Even if we reach moments where we find it challenging to hope, others are able to hold onto hope for us through words of encouragement and through their steady intercession.

Questions for Reflection

• What are ways in which God has revealed his presence through challenging circumstances in your life? How does that awareness help you to face new difficulties that arise?

• Who has been placed in your life to support you in navigating challenges during different seasons of your life? Are there areas of gaps where you might seek out different types of support?

• What has helped you to cling to hope? How can you extend hope to others or intercede for others if they are finding it challenging to hope?